I took this hurried snap of me waving to my kids as I was away all Saturday, and one was very upset about that. But I had the BEST day yesterday, and I wanted to share.
There’s been a lot of talk about bullying lately. It’s an important subject and I am glad we as a society are discussing it.
I was verbally bullied at school. My experience was not news grabbing, but many psychologists claim that emotional taunts can be as damaging as physical abuse. Sticks and stones may indeed break bones, but words can hurt too.
I have always been a bit ‘square peg, round hole’. A serious, introspective personality type who feels things very deeply. I don’t do surface chat well; I want to know what people would live or die for. As a high school student, I cared deeply about ‘big issues’ like overpopulation, carbon emissions and losing a football field of forest each second. I didn’t care to discuss episodes of ‘Friends’. Of course, I wanted to fit in, but I wasn’t like other kids and couldn’t pretend to be.
And that was noticed. At an all-girls private school, a handful of people tore my looks and bookish personality to shreds. My pale English skin tone has long been the source of much heckling for me in New Zealand, and I was called ‘pasty’ or ‘invisible’, or a ‘witch’. ‘Geek’, ‘dork’, ‘nerd’ were pretty popular definitions for me too. My ‘plum in my mouth’ English accent went down like a cup of cold sick, so I soon dropped that. But the worst thing was that these mean girls would groan loudly whenever I put my hand up in class. God forbid I should have to do a speech. At primary school, I loved writing and giving speeches and always felt like I had something to say. But when you’re a fragile, sensitive teen that encounters boos and eye rolls the second you stand up, it eats away at your self-confidence. When something hurts, you do what you can to avoid the pain, right?
👉🏼 So you play small.
👉🏼 You keep quiet.
👉🏼 You don’t show up as your most authentic self.
From then on, I never thought I would pursue public speaking. It was so much easier to hide behind my words on a screen.
But if there’s no mud, the lotus can’t bloom. Years ago, I had a lotus tattooed on my wrist to remind me of this fact every day. There is hope. And we can choose to grow and thrive - even if we’ve been through things that are a bit shit.
Then, recently, I was introduced to a professional speaker who encouraged me to pursue a side career in professional speaking. Suddenly it dawned on me that, although I felt confident talking to people, I haven’t given myself the chance to speak publically because of my experiences in high school. Even making an Instagram reel fills me with dread. And it got me thinking…
⭐ Maybe this woman’s opinion was more valuable than bitchiness in high school.
⭐ Maybe it was time to stop hiding away?
⭐ Maybe I can embrace being a pale-faced geek that’s a bit ‘good witchy’?
⭐ Maybe my thoughts are worthy of being shared?
So, I purchased a ticket to the Professional Speakers Association NZ Summit (where I took the above photo). And as you can see I was pretty darn happy to be there. The day was so much more than just incredible practical and applicable presentations from a variety of industry professionals. I was blown away by a warm welcome from people that metaphorically took me under their wings and gave me a mixture of knowledge, advice, support and a gentle push.
So, here is what I want to tell you.
If the story you’re telling yourself today about what you cannot do is based on your experience with high school bullies, I implore you to let it go. It’s not true; it’s BS. It’s not worth hanging on to. You owe it to yourself to say yes to all life’s opportunities. There is freedom on the other side of fear. So, do whatever you need to do to release the trauma of your experience. Read books on self-healing, meditate, go within and cry if you feel the need, and tell yourself repeatedly that ‘you’ve got this’ until it feels real.
(By the way, for those that follow me on Insight Timer, I’m feeling a calling to record an inner child healing meditation that will help with this, so will add it to my to-do list.)
I don’t know what this speaker journey will bring, but most importantly, I am open to it. And I’m super grateful for new friends that are encouraging me.
In other news, I have been procrastinating about launching a podcast for well over a year. In the words of Lizzo, ‘It’s about damn time!’
#watchthisspace #hatersgonnahate
Thank you so much for your support. ❤ I'm really looking forward to exploring speaking as another string to my bow.
Wonderful readings. I would most definitely encourage you to explore public speaking.