"It's me. Hi, I'm the problem - it's me."
A reminder that children are reflections of us - good and bad.
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Ever thought to yourself, ‘My kids are acting like little 💩 💩 today!’ and then realised you were the problem?
Guilty! 👆 Sometimes, I am the problem.
When you walk into a room where people have argued, you feel you could cut the tension in the air with a knife. Since we are energy, we feel each other's energy. And we are intricately connected to every living thing on earth, especially our loved ones.
It's helpful to remember that although parenting is a huge amount of doing... Oh my God, SO MUCH DOING... it also involves plenty of energetic transactions with the people we love the most in the world.
Our children feel our energy, but they can also absorb it and reflect it right back at us. It’s as though they are holding up a mirror to show us who we are and to identify what we need to work on. So the next time you see your child ‘acting out’, look at how you're acting towards them.
I’ve found an ‘energetic check in’ often reveals that a child’s bad mood is merely a mirror of mine. Oops. We forget how bonded they are to us. If I’m impatient and snappy, chances are my children are too. But, when I am in a playful, loving energy, my children's response to me is naturally better. There are other influences, of course, particularly as children get older. But we are their first 'influencers'.
At times, I need to be reminded: Our children learn how to behave by our behaviour. They learn how to react from our reactions.
It's not easy to 100% always be the loving and calm guide we set out to be. Life can be busy and stressful. It’s almost impossible to be ‘on form’ all the time… particularly when we are depleted, overwhelmed, juggling multiple plates, answering endless annoying questions like ‘Why can’t we eat poo?’ (🤦♀️😳) and cleaning up after little ones constantly. I could digress into multiple posts about ‘the motherload’, ‘mum rage’ and ‘parenting without a village’. But to keep this one simple, I hope this is a reminder that it's truly beneficial to pause and see if your child's behaviour/energy reflects yours.
Mindfulness teaches us to take the time to notice how we are feeling. Yet, despite many years of practice, I occasionally don’t take the time to 'scan’ to observe my energy, thoughts and feelings. And not doing so can really impact the way I parent.
A few days ago, I observed that my energy and headspace could have been (a lot) better. I hadn’t slept well, and I hadn't taken the time to meet my needs, so my interactions with my children were irritable. I wanted space but I hadn’t made time for it.
Fortunately, a friend invited me to lunch, so I escaped for a precious few hours of adult company, and nobody asked me to check if they had wiped their butt properly! I returned home in a far better headspace to deal with the demands of motherhood in a state of flow and grace.
It’s reminded me to be more diligent about carving out time to see how I feel and meet my needs. As a result of doing so, my energy/mood has improved, and my engagement with my children has been more pleasant, calm and loving.
Meeting your needs isn't selfish. On the contrary, it makes us more able to meet our children's needs. And it's no surprise that my kids’ response to me is better since my behaviour towards them is warmer. We all communicate more consciously, responding to each other rather than reacting.
So, you’ve realised you’ve been the problem… now what?
Take a mindful moment to gently consider these questions. Or use them as journal prompts.
How is my energy? Could it be better?
What’s triggering me?
How can I ease this situation in future?
What do I need right now?
What’s stopping me from showing up for my kids with my love for them?
Digging deep into this stuff can be so helpful. For example, I get triggered by my boys’ play fighting. The sheer volume of their roars and the sight of them wrestling is stressful for me. Understanding this is a trigger, I feel empowered to do several things. I can say to myself, ‘They are just playing.’ I can send them outside to wrestle. I can pop my headphones on and listen to music or a podcast to block out the noise.
Prioritise your self-care
Usually, my energy falls flat and I begin to ‘act out’ when I have let my daily self-care practices slip… activities such as meditation, gratitude practice, a walk around the block, breathwork, and exercise are essential for my well-being. Likewise, too much screen time is detrimental to my mental state.
Remember: We can’t show up for our kids if we don’t first show up for ourselves.
❤️ Self-care is not selfish.
Acknowledge what’s happened and show up
Ask for a ‘do-over’
If you've been ‘acting out’, skip the guilt. You’re human. You aren’t infallible. But you must own it and apologise. I like to ask my kids for a ‘do-over’. I have always talked to my children about emotions, and they are open to real talk from me. Here’s an example of what I might say:
“I'm sorry. I'm tired, making me grumpy and impatient, but it is not your fault, which isn’t fair. I can see that I am not being very kind with my words or actions and not listening as well as I could. I love you so much and it's important to treat people we love in a way that reflects that. Can we have a do-over?”
I believe being frank about our emotional challenges helps them understand themselves better too.
Have a frequent family Work In Progress
I also like to ask my children for feedback on how I am doing as a parent. Like my old ad agency days, a little ‘WIP’ meeting comes in handy from time to time. And sometimes, that can be a wake-up call. For example, one twin informed me, “You're annoyed a lot at the moment.” Ouch. But he was right. I apologised and told them I would make a real effort to be more self-aware. The other twin threw his arms around me and said, “You're still a wonderful mummy; you're my first-ever best friend.” Which is pretty much the loveliest thing a mother could want to hear. (Yes, I teared up.)
These kinds of conversations teach our children about compassion, communication, emotional literacy, understanding that our thoughts and feelings impact our behaviour, and the importance of self-care and self-regulation.
I hope they always know that they can be honest with me about their behavioural ‘failings’ and the feelings and thoughts that aren't helping them to be their best self. I also hope they grow up knowing their personal needs are priorities too, and it’s OK to say, “I need a break!”
Being human is messy. (Almost as messy as my little kids! 🤣).
Parenting is challenging.
Even navigating our ‘self’ can be a rollercoaster.
But honest and heartfelt communication doesn't have to be difficult. And if we can teach our children clear and compassionate communication with others and ourselves, I dare to hope we could change the world.