I consider myself blessed to have an empath for a son, and as an empath myself, I appreciate that he ‘gets’ my quirks and I can help him navigate his. So, I feel compelled to share what it looks like to have an empath child, what it feels like to be an empath parent and how you can support your empath child in life.
First, some stories of how I recognised my empath son…
Twin 2 was born chill. I called him my ‘Buddha baby’ and delighted in his easygoing nature. Smiley and happy, the only things he got upset about were wanting more food and his attachment to various pieces of cloth. At almost six, he still has an attachment to various pieces of cloth and will rotate just two tee shirts, which he has had for years and (much to his father’s dismay!) are now rags. Sensitivity and attachment to fabrics is common in empath children.
I realised Twin 2 was an empath at eight weeks old. I have always had a soft spot for certain sad songs, although they make me cry, so it’s slightly torturous. And Twin 2 is the same. I played some ‘relaxing’ soft music and on came this song… It’s haunting.
The opening lyrics are: ‘Tonight when I came home from work, hurt. Tonight when I came home from work.’ And my little Buddha baby wept as soon as he heard the word ‘hurt’. I could recognise that sadness had come over my happy boy, not hunger or dirty nappy or needing to be burped.
I turned off the music. He stopped weeping.
I didn’t want to make him sad, but I had to know if my suspicions were correct.
I put the song on again… and the tears resumed immediately. I stopped the music and cuddled him till he felt like himself again. I rang family to tell them, and they remarked on what a ‘sensitive’ little boy he is. The word ‘sensitive’ will be used to describe him a lot, but being an empath is much more than that.
As he has grown, I have seen more signs that, like me, he absorbs others’ emotions as his own. He’s easygoing and popular but will take himself for solo quiet time to recharge when he needs. Outdoor time at the beach ‘grounds us’ and recharges us both. Water does, too, and empaths often recognise the need to ‘let emotions wash off us’. He goes into the sea all year round (even when freezing) and will lie in the bath with his ears under the water. I also do this when emotionally overwhelmed, as removing auditory senses is soothing (just tell my beloved earplugs!).
My empath son doesn’t have ‘tantrums’ as much as he has full-body meltdowns. However, he knows what he needs and will reach his arms to me and say, in between near breathless screams, “I. Need. You. To. Hug. Me!” This makes parenting him through these emotions much easier.
Empaths love so damn fiercely. Sometimes Twin 2 and I will cuddle, and I will feel overwhelmed with emotion as I FEEL his love for me, and then he will look at my misty eyes with his misty eyes and say, “Do you have tears, mummy?” I tell him that it’s because I love him so much, and his tears will flow too.
Empath or empathic?
As Twin 2 and I have experienced tears at songs that feel sad to us, Twin 1 was curious the other night, “Why do you two cry at some songs?”
“Because we are empaths, darling. That means we feel other people’s emotions as though they are our own.”
“Am I an empath?” he asked.
“Well, you are empathic, which means you care for other people when hurt, but you may not feel it in your body.”
“Good,” he said. “I think crying at music is weird.” Haha, well, there ya go.
And that’s an important definition to understand. Being an empath is not the same thing as being empathic. Empathy is the ability to feel what other people are feeling. Being an empath means you feel other people's feelings as though they were your own.
Embrace the empath weirdness
Twin 1’s thought that ‘empathy is weird’ is something I’ve encountered a lot, and empaths need to be able to withstand that judgement. What’s weirder to me, though, is that other people shy away from people that experience strong emotions. When the grief of my marriage break-up was overwhelming, many people disconnected from me. Later, they explained, “I couldn’t be near you as I didn’t know what to say.” I replied, “I didn’t need you to say anything, I just wanted you to BE there.” A friend who lost her partner mentioned a similar thing - people avoided her. I remember sending her a message saying, “If you need me, I am not afraid to sit with you in your grief.” Empaths are not afraid of emotions, we walk alongside a rainbow of them daily.
No doubt you will have observed toxic positivity bullshit in recent years… ‘Good Vibes Only’. I understand the intention, but some of us experience all the feelings deeply, not just the good vibes. Being an empath is a unique gift. It’s tiring experiencing ‘all the vibes’, and it can also be bloody tiring knowing your emotions are not welcome because other people cannot handle them. But why would we emotionally disconnect from that which we find deeply moving? Even if it hurts, isn’t that just part of the vast highs and lows of the human experience?
That said, emotional absorption is not easy for us. Devastating world news, such as environmental destruction and school shootings across the other side of the world, can cause a near emotional paralysis for me, with overwhelming heartache. It’s hard for me to understand how other people can shrug it off and ‘get on with life’. I hear that empaths are often healers and heavily involved in social justice. I can see that - we desperately want to heal the world and everyone and everything in it.
According to research, just 1-2% of the population are empaths, and there are two types: physical and emotional. Physical empaths can feel other people’s symptoms and pain, such as backaches and headaches. Emotional empaths absorb the world’s stress, along with that of their friends and family.
Signs that you or your child are an empath
Highly emotional
You or your child FEEL other people’s emotions (sadness, joy and even anxiety) deeply - as though they were your own.Increased sensitivity
Heightened sensitivity to external stimuli such as loud noises, big crowds, strong flavours, different textures (empaths adore soft, cuddly textures). Tee shirt or underwear tags drive empaths crazy, but heaven is snuggling into luxurious hotel quality bed-linen.Tires easily & needs alone time
Empaths get exhausted easily and need ‘alone time’ away from other people. Even if they are extroverted, feeling other people’s feelings is, well, a lot. Empaths love to take naps to recharge after experiencing other people’s emotions.Difficulty managing emotions
Because an empath is experiencing all the feelings - so intensely - it can be hard to navigate that and challenging to calm down.
Parenting an empath child
If you are an empath parent, the old cliche of putting on your oxygen mask first is crucial. If we don’t, our emotions will mirror our child’s, who will then spiral downward even more if we don’t provide the calm emotions they crave.
Learn and teach them mindfulness
Mindfulness skills are not just hippie hogwash. These skills are frequently taught by psychologists as a way to help people to cope with emotional dysregulation. I wrote my children’s book so families can learn (and practice!) basic mindfulness techniques (The Mindful Pause and Belly Breathing), which have both been key in navigating my (and my child’s) strong empath emotions.
Set and teach boundaries
I feel that empaths tend to be people-pleasers. We love to do things for other people that will make them feel happy, and, as I said, we want to fix the world. But, this can be to the detriment of our well-being as we may put our needs last. Allow your child time to relax and recharge. Schedule downtime. Take them for plenty of nature walks and let them sink into a warm bath or whatever rejuvenates your child. Tell them it’s OK to say ‘no’ to some activities they don’t have the energy for and ease off the ‘pedal to the metal’ parenting approach that says we should fill every waking moment with activity.
Allow and encourage quiet time
When you are inside, set aside time to sit quietly looking at books set amongst snuggly cushions and blankets. If there are loud parties and activities planned, know that your child may need to take a break or have a nap to recharge afterwards. And that is OK.
Manage any anxiety
If your child experiences anxiety, teach them tools to cope. An anxiety exercise that my children love to do is the 5-4-3-2-1 Senses exercise. Neither is particularly anxious, but we do this for fun on nature walks. It’s a mindful way to bring ourselves into our present surroundings by exploring our senses. And I think it’s better to teach these tools when children are young and receptive. That way, if they need them as they get older, they know what to try. The senses exercise goes like this: Observe 5 things they can see, 4 things they can touch, 3 things they can hear, 2 things they can smell and 1 thing they can taste.
Love and support who they are
Please don’t tell your child they are ‘overly sensitive’ or to ‘harden up’. I do not believe that any empath should fundamentally change who they are. But I advocate learning how to become more resilient to others’ emotions. There are a number of ways to do this. As mentioned, mindfulness can teach us to recognise our emotions and thus take time to identify if we are ‘wearing someone else’s emotion and consciously let it go’. Mindfulness also helps us to be present in our bodies and our experience. For example, my heart will race as soon as I enter a loud gaming centre. The cacophony of sounds is overstimulating for me. However, being aware of my body’s stress response means I can stay for a while simply by being conscious of my breathing. It may be that your child needs extra preparation (and a creature comfort) for (over)stimulating occasions too. As woo-woo as it may sound, imagining you are in a protective bubble can help, so that can be something to teach your child (and they love engaging their imagination). Most importantly, teach your child what being an empath means, how they can manage their emotions and self-regulate and to come to you when they need support. Remember: although we may get upset easily, an empath’s capacity for joy and love is vast and wondrous.
Further Reading
The Empath's Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People, by Judith Orloff, M.D.